Are you a revenge seeker? A grudge holder? Here’s an alternative

3 strategies from a revenge expert

Revenge-seeking and grudge-nursing have caused me untold suffering.

It turns out, this desire is hardwired into our DNA. In early human tribes, striking back served a purpose: it discouraged freeloaders, enforced fairness, and helped the group survive. But in modern life, this tendency misfires in countless ways. Just look at the news.

James Kimmel, Jr., a revenge and forgiveness expert, says it’s become a species-wide addiction. According to research, contemplating revenge lights up the same craving-and-reward circuits as drugs or gambling.

How to break the cycle? Here are three strategies from Kimmel:

• Notice the body’s revenge cues. Mindfulness of physical sensations can help you catch the urge to retaliate before it hijacks you. A slight, insult, or betrayal fires up the same pain networks as a physical injury. Pause and tune into the clenched jaw, the tight chest, the hot face. Naming these signals gives you a little breathing room instead of automatically lashing out.

• Practice “imaginative forgiveness.” To be clear, forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior or reconciling with somebody dangerous. Kimmel’s strategy doesn’t even require that you speak to the other person. Instead simply picture what it would feel like to forgive. Research shows even imagined forgiveness can quiet pain circuits, shut down the craving loop, and flip your self-control back on.

• Differentiate self-protection from revenge. You can forgive someone and still set a clear boundary with them. Just be careful you’re not using that boundary to settle old scores. Asking, “Am I trying to stay safe—or just get even?” can keep you from feeding the addiction and steer you toward something more constructive.

Kimmel is on today’s episode of 10% Happier. He’s got an incredible personal story that you’ll want to hear.

As always, the episode comes with a companion meditation. This one’s called “For When You Want Revenge.” It comes from our teacher of the month, Sebene Selassie. You can find it and the rest of Sebene’s meditations on the Meditations page at DanHarris.com.

Also, Sebene will go live tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. ET for a guided meditation and Q&A with executive producer DJ Cashmere, exclusively for paid subscribers. Don’t miss it.

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Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

James Kimmel, Jr. unpacks the neuroscience and psychology behind our universal craving for revenge—and how, left unchecked, it can wreak havoc at the personal, societal, and even geopolitical scale. By understanding revenge as an addictive force, he offers not just insight, but real, research-backed strategies for breaking free from the cycle of rumination, grudge-holding, and destructive behavior.

Grudge holding & revenge: breaking the brain’s oldest addiction

• Revenge-seeking is wired into the human brain, delivering short-lived pleasure but fueling cycles of personal pain and violence.

• Grudges and fantasies of “getting even” activate the same addictive reward pathways as drugs or gambling.

• The line between healthy justice and destructive revenge is thinner—and trickier—than most of us realize.

• Forgiveness (on your terms, not the perpetrator’s) is a science-backed antidote, shifting the brain out of pain and addictive rumination.

6 practical ways to work with revenge cravings & grudges