Brené Brown's go-to strategy for managing fear

Are you above or below the line?

There are so many aspects of modern life that conspire to make us anxious and afraid. Nonstop stimuli keep our nervous systems in a chronic state of alert. Meanwhile, the decline in face-to-face connection means we have fewer buffers to calm that stress.

Sure, anxiety and fear can serve their purpose: fear can get us out of danger; anxiety can push us to prepare. But left unchecked, these emotions can curdle into reactivity—snapping at colleagues, shutting down with loved ones, or steamrolling to get control.

When I spoke recently with Brené Brown—the researcher and bestselling author—she told me about a simple but powerful tool she uses to notice when fear is shaping her behavior. It’s called the “above the line / below the line” framework (a concept first introduced by author Robert Kiyosaki and later explored and popularized by Carolyn Taylor in her book Walking the Talk and by the Conscious Leadership Group.)

Here’s the idea:

• When fear is driving, we’re below the line. We slip into what psychiatrist Stephen Karpman refers to as the “drama triangle,” playing roles like Hero (the rescuer who has to fix everything), Victim (the powerless stance of “poor me”), or Villain (the critic or blamer who steamrolls others).

• When fear is present but acknowledged (in other words, when we’re in a place where we can respond mindfully rather than react), we can stay above the line. That’s the “empowerment triangle,” where we take on roles like Coach (“Help me understand”), Challenger (“Have we thought through the downsides?”), or Creator (“What can we build from here?”).

So how do you know if you’re above or below the line? For Brené, her giveaway is often the words coming out of her mouth—what she calls her “indicator light.” She says she can recognize fear in her speech before she even feels it in her body. When she hears herself say things like, “Fine, I’ll just do it myself” (playing the Hero role), “No one understands how hard it is” (Victim), or “I don't give a shit what you think. This is how we're gonna do it” (Villain), that’s a dead giveaway she’s slipped below the line.

She uses this in her personal life, too. In her marriage, she and her husband will say, “I’m under the line right now,” as shorthand for: fear is driving, let’s pause the conversation. And when she hears herself use the word “overwhelmed,” she takes it as a cue to stop and reset—walking, contemplative prayer, or simply doing nothing for 15 minutes. If she doesn’t, she knows her nervous system will tip into shutdown.

The point isn’t to eliminate fear. It’s to notice when it’s steering—and to remember we can always climb back above the line.

For more on how to spot fear in real time—and how to climb back above the line—listen to today’s episode with Brené Brown.

Paid subscribers also get a companion meditation from our September Teacher of the Month, Vinny Ferraro. This one’s called “Stay Grounded in Chaotic Times” and is designed to help you steady your nervous system, so you can meet chaos without letting fear take the wheel. You can find the rest of Vinny’s meditations — and those from previous Teachers of the Month — on the Meditations page at DanHarris.com.

Also: I’m going live Tuesday, Sept. 30, at 4:00 p.m. ET for a guided meditation and Q&A exclusively for paid subscribers. Don’t miss it.

Jeff Warren, Sebene Selassie, Ofosu Jones-Quartey, and I are doing another version of our annual Meditation Party retreat this Oct. 24-26. It’s at the Omega Institute in upstate NY. One of our subscribers asked what we’ll actually do—fair question! Think four big sessions of meditation, conversation, and Q&A—with plenty of free time to hike the 240-acre campus, play some pickleball, shoot hoops, or just relax by the lake (yes, they’ve got kayaks). You can also drop into yoga or tai chi classes, and on Saturday night there’s even a dance party (totally optional, I promise). I hope you’ll join us. More info here.

One more thing: Friends of the show Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin just launched a new podcast called Since You Asked. It’s smart, funny, and full of practical advice for navigating life's daily dilemmas. Listen here.

Paid subscribers get the 10% Happier podcast ad-free, as well as:

• A cheatsheet for each episode — with key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a transcript

• The ability to comment on posts and participate in subscriber chats

• Access to our weekly live video sessions, in which I and/or our meditation Teacher of the Month guide a meditation and take questions

• Tailor-made meditations every Monday and Wednesday, led by our meditation Teacher of the Month and designed to pair with the podcast episodes

Join the party.

Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Brené Brown argues that true success—whether at work or at home—depends less on bravado and more on finding “strong ground”: a calm nervous system, clear values, and the courage to live them. Drawing on personal stories and organizational work, she shows how practices like above/below-the-line awareness, operationalized values, and paradoxical thinking help us move through fear without being ruled by it.

Finding strong ground: the art of calm strength in chaotic times

Key takeaways:

• Grounded confidence beats bravado: Real success comes from strong inner grounding, not bluster or constant busyness. Brené calls this “finding your strong ground” rather than building on fear or dysfunction.

• Learn to manage your nervous system: Having sovereignty over your emotional state is a true superpower, at work and at home. It’s what allows you to respond with steadiness instead of reactivity.

• Values must be lived, not just named: Identifying your core values is only the beginning—real growth comes from weaving them into daily behaviors and holding yourself accountable.

• Paradox is an elite skill: Navigating life’s contradictions—freedom vs. discipline, belonging vs. individuality—is a rare and valuable form of wisdom that fuels empathy, resilience, and innovation.

5 practical ways to build your strong ground: