How to get in fewer arguments (and fight better when you do)

“You can either be right… or you can be married.”

As someone whose career involves studying human happiness, I am continuously struck by the fact that the single most important variable for our mental and physical health is the quality of our relationships. And yet, we’re almost never taught any form of interpersonal hygiene. We are left to wing it in our romantic partnerships, friendships, and work relationships.

My friend Shankar Vedantam, host of the excellent podcast Hidden Brain, recently joined me to talk about why conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships, and what to do about it. Below are three strategies from our conversation for when you find yourself in the briar patch of conflict with someone you care about.

• Externalize the “monster.” When a recurring disagreement pops up, give the problem a name or a personality. For example, if you prefer your home spotless and your partner is a bit more “relaxed” about chores, you might say, “Here’s that Cleaning Monster again.” By labeling the conflict as an “it,” you shift the perspective from “you are the problem” to “we have a shared problem.”

• Eat the blame. When we feel under attack, our personal “bodyguards” (e.g. our capacity for anger, defensiveness, and diminishment) come out to protect us. But if your bodyguards are just brawling with your partner’s bodyguards, the “us” gets caught in the crossfire. Sometimes the most effective practice is “eating the blame”, which means offering a sincere apology even if you feel you were the one wronged. In a marital context, you may have heard it cheekily put as “you can either be right, or you can be married.”

• Lean into the paradox of acceptance. It’s a Buddhist concept: our desire to change the other person is actually the source of our own suffering. Paradoxically, when you truly accept your partner as they are, the tension diminishes and a feeling of safety emerges. This safety is the ground where real, creative change can actually happen.

An important caveat: employing these strategies does not mean you need to accept abusive behavior or otherwise become a doormat. They’re for personality quirks and the meaningful differences that make us human.

To learn more practical strategies for navigating difficult relationships and building new connections, listen to the full episode with Shankar Vedantam.

Also out this week is my episode with Buddhist monks Ajahn Kovilo Bhikkhu and Ajahn Nisabho, who share wisdom on how to keep your cool in a stressful world, live with less shame and regret, and cultivate “the opposite of depression.”

Over on the 10% with Dan Harris app:

The Even You Can Meditate Challenge starts today! Each day this week through Friday, we’re dropping a new meditation from Teacher of the Month Sebene Selassie. The Challenge is a kind of sampler, showcasing five different types of meditation. It’s designed to introduce beginners to a variety of styles, as well as inspire regular meditators who may want to shake things up. Kicking things off today with Even You Can Meditate with Your Breath.

Join Sebene and me for a special Challenge live session tomorrow (Tuesday, March 24 at 4 p.m. ET) on Zoom. Drop your questions for us in the event post on the app here.

Seb will also be live this Friday, March 27 at 4 p.m. ET, to close out the Challenge.

If you’re not a paid subscriber to the app, now is the time to sign up. Get a 14-day free trial that includes the Even You Can Meditate Challenge.

Upcoming events in person:

I’ll be speaking at the Jung Center in Houston tomorrow (March 24) for their annual Spring Benefit. Tickets are available here.

On May 17, join me for a conversation with Allison Gilbert at 92NY in NYC about how self-awareness and self-compassion can transform not only our inner lives but our relationships. Get tickets here.

Tickets for the next Meditation Party are available here! Jeff Warren, Sebene Selassie, and I are doing another version of our annual retreat this Oct. 16-18. It’s at the Omega Institute in upstate NY. Think four big sessions of meditation, conversation, and Q&A—with plenty of free time to hike the 240-acre campus, play some pickleball, shoot hoops, or just relax by the lake. You can also drop into yoga or tai chi classes, and on Saturday night there’s even a dance party (totally optional, I promise).

Paid subscribers to the new 10% with Dan Harris app get:

• Guided Meditations: A library of guided sessions to help with stress, anxiety, focus, sleep, annoying people, and more.

• Meditation Challenges: Structured programs to deepen your practice with clear goals, daily guidance, and community support.

• Live Meditation and Q&A Sessions: Every week, meditate live with me and some of the best meditation teachers on earth. Ask questions. Get actual answers.

• The 10% Happier Podcast: Subscribers get access to ad-free versions of my pod. Both the new episodes and the entire archive, stretching back almost 10 years.

• Community Connection: Join conversations with thousands of other practitioners who get it. Share your struggles, celebrate wins, get support when you need it.

Join the party.