How to talk back to your anger

A jiu-jitsu move for rage

You may have noticed I’ve done quite a bit of programming on anger lately. There are two reasons for this. First, as I have mentioned before, anger is one of my more prominent demons. Second, we are in the middle of a dumpster fire of a presidential election, so anger is particularly relevant right now.

Today, a wise and subtle jiu-jitsu move for when you’re bombarded by a blast of rage, from a dharma teacher named Matthew Brensilver.

Three steps:

1. Next time you get pissed, try to remember not to act on it reflexively. Do the deeply counterintuitive and uncomfortable thing of sitting with it. That doesn’t mean stewing. It means investigating mindfully. How does anger show up in your body? Check out how anger, per Matthew, “longs for a certain kind of satisfaction.”

2. Talk back to it. Find your own language. Some suggested phrases from Mathew include: This (anger) cannot work out; This cannot do what I want it to do; and This is a dead end. 

3. Let the pain of consciously, mindfully sitting with the anger burn the wisdom of whatever phrase you choose into your mind. Every time you repeat this process, you may understand the disutility of anger more deeply.

This wisdom bomb from Matthew is from today’s podcast episode, where my executive producer, DJ Cashmere, interviewed a trio of meditation maestros about how to handle anger, and then discussed his learnings with me.

Both Matthew and DJ will be in the subscriber-only chat today and tomorrow. Hit them up with questions/thoughts/reactions.

Below, paid subscribers get a cheatsheet of the episode with a list of key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a full transcript. If you sign up, you’ll also get access to the chat, ability to comment on this and other posts, monthly live-streamed AMAs, and more.

Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Anger is a universal human emotion that can be destructive if not handled skillfully. By recognizing anger when it arises, embracing it without judgment, and looking deeply at its roots, we can learn to work with anger more effectively and reduce its negative impacts.

Taming the Anger Beast: Practical Strategies for Emotional Mastery

• Recognize it: Develop mindfulness to catch anger early before reacting

• Embrace it: Accept anger's presence without suppressing or indulging it

• Look deeply: Examine anger's roots and what it's trying to tell you

• Depersonalize it: Remember anger is a universal human experience, not a personal failing

• Meditate on it: Use anger as an object of mindfulness to understand it better

Anger Management Toolkit: 6 Practical Tips

• Use the RED acronym: Recognize, Embrace, Deeply Look

• Talk to your anger with compassion: "Oh, my dear anger, I see you're here"

• Ask yourself what's beneath the anger: Fear? Hurt? Unmet needs?

• Notice physical sensations: Feel your feet on the floor, hands on belly, etc.

• Remind yourself "This cannot work out" to reduce anger's appeal

• Practice repair after anger-fueled mistakes

Anger is a complex emotion with both destructive potential and wisdom to offer. By learning to work with it skillfully, we can reduce suffering and access the important information anger may be trying to convey.

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Quote to ponder:

"Anger is signaling, not always, but often, that something has been transgressed, some harm has occurred.” (Matthew Brensilver)

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Episode timestamps:

00:00 - Introduction

02:35 - DJ explains the episode format and his personal struggles with anger

07:28 - Discussion of different relationships to anger

15:54 - Matthew Brensilver on the idiosyncratic nature of anger

29:40 - Kaira Jewel Lingo on skillful ways to work with anger

41:05 - Vinny Ferraro on looking beneath anger

53:28 - Matthew Brensilver on meditating on anger

10% Happier: How to talk back to your anger - Transcript

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