Kicking your own ass? Here’s how to counterprogram against the inner critic

Slightly cheesy, immensely powerful

One of the most important developments in my contemplative career of late has been embracing the cheese—i.e., getting over myself and doing the slightly embarrassing shit that massively improves my inner weather. Turns out, those corny moves—like putting your hand on your heart or talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a good friend—are ones that really move the needle.

If, like me, you have a tendency to kick your own ass, here’s one of those cheesy-seeming practices that actually works: a quick, four-part move called Beginning Anew, from the Plum Village Zen tradition founded by the late, legendary Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh.

You can do this either with yourself or with somebody else. Here’s how:

1. Acknowledge the good. Recognize the positive qualities in yourself and, if applicable, in the other person. Because of our evolutionarily wired negativity bias, we too often focus only on the bad stuff. This helps widen the aperture.

2. Express regrets. Honestly admit anything you’ve done—to yourself or others—that may have been unskillful or hurtful. This isn’t about provoking shame, which only further enmeshes you in your own stories. It’s about seeing clearly, with what the Buddhists call “wise remorse.”

3. Share your hurts. Talk openly about any pain or difficulties you’ve experienced in the relationship (whether caused by the other person, yourself, or circumstances).

4. Find a way forward. Get constructive. Offer ideas for how to reduce harm in the future.

This doesn’t have to take a bunch of time. You don’t have to fold yourself into the lotus position to do it. You can contemplate these four steps while you’re taking a walk, doing chores—whatever. And don’t worry if it feels forced or treacly. Nobody has to know.

For more on how to practice Beginning Anew, listen to today’s episode of 10% Happier with Sister Dang Nghiem (“Sister D”), an ordained Buddhist nun in the Plum Village tradition. We also cover why self-care is not self-indulgent, and what Buddhist teachings point to as the most overlooked form of wealth in life.

Paid subscribers also get a companion meditation from our September Teacher of the Month, Vinny Ferraro. This one’s called “Cut Yourself Some Slack” and is designed to help you treat yourself with a little less judgment and a little more kindness.

Vinny is also going live tomorrow (Tuesday) at 4:00 p.m. ET with our executive producer, DJ Cashmere, for a guided meditation and Q&A exclusively for paid subscribers. Hope to see you there.

Sunday, September 21 from 1-5 p.m. ET, join me and Leslie Booker at the New York Insight Meditation Center in NYC as we lead a workshop titled, “Heavily Meditated – The Dharma of Depression + Anxiety.” This event is both in-person and online. Sign up here.

Finally: Jeff Warren, Sebene Selassie, Ofosu Jones-Quartey, and I are doing another version of our annual Meditation Party retreat this October 24-26. It’s at the Omega Institute in upstate NY. You should come. You can sign up here.

Paid subscribers get the 10% Happier podcast ad-free, as well as:

• A cheatsheet for each episode — with key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a transcript

• The ability to comment on posts and participate in subscriber chats

• Access to our weekly live video sessions, in which I and/or our meditation Teacher of the Month guide a meditation and take questions

• Tailor-made meditations every Monday and Wednesday, led by our meditation Teacher of the Month and designed to pair with the podcast episodes

Join the party.

Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Sister Dang Nghiem (“Sister D”) shares a powerful four-part Buddhist process called "Beginning Anew," which helps us transform our inner dialogue, heal old wounds, and create healthier relationships—starting with ourselves. Through practical steps rooted in both ancient tradition and modern science, Sister D explains how self-care is not self-indulgent, but essential for genuine transformation that ripples out into the wider world.

Rewiring your inner critic: Beginning Anew for self-compassion and connection

• Healing starts inside: Instead of seeing self-care as selfish, learn to treat yourself with kindness, honesty, and accountability. When you heal your own hurts, you’re less likely to transmit pain to others.

• Four steps to reset your relationship with yourself or others (Beginning Anew): Start with gratitude, then express regrets, acknowledge hurts, and find actionable resolutions. These steps help clean up inner negativity and build genuine connection.

• Being your own soulmate: According to Sister D, genuine self-love is about remembering, caring for, and mastering yourself—not being a “diva,” but nurturing what’s best in you so you can help others.

• The myth of “separateness”: Our well-being is connected to others through the Buddhist insight of “interbeing”—take care of yourself, and you help the collective.

6 practical ways to put self-compassion into everyday action