Next time you feel tense, don’t sweep it under the rug

Tension is a key signal. Here’s how to tune in.

How many times have you felt internal tension—at home, at work, in a social situation—and ignored or overridden it?

Next time you feel tense, try not to sweep it under the rug. Instead, tune in. Tension is your nervous system sending you a key signal that something isn’t right. If you can learn to listen to it, you’ll have a better shot at responding in alignment with your values—rather than pushing past it or caving to pressure.

How to listen? One great tool is a body scan meditation.

You can do it super quickly. Take a comfortable position, sitting or lying down. Start at the top of your head. What sensations do you feel there? Tingling, tightness? Then move down to your forehead, your jaw, your lips. Keep sweeping southward: throat, nape, shoulders, chest. You get the picture. Go all the way down to the soles of the feet and then, if time, start back at the head.

Studies show this kind of meditation makes us better at operationalizing the old cliché about “listening to your body.”

Body awareness is the first step. The next step is learning how to act on what it’s telling you. On today’s episode of the pod I talk to Dr. Sunita Sah, a world-leading expert in defiance, who talks about tuning into tension and how to get better at saying no when it really matters.

Here are four of her core strategies for tuning into tension and turning it into purposeful action:

• Make tension your teacher. That gut sense that something’s off? Sunita says it’s common to “feel some kind of tension” when a request clashes with your values. That’s not weakness—it’s your values trying to warn you. Pay attention.

• Write down your values. Sunita’s research shows doing this actually lowers stress and boosts integrity. Knowing what you stand for makes saying no easier.

• Defiance isn’t a personality trait—it’s a skill you can train. As Sunita puts it, defiance is “a practice, not a personality.” Anticipate tricky situations, visualize your response, script your words, and repeat.

• Learn the power of the pause. Don’t rush your yes. Sunita recommends phrases like “Let me think about it” or “Let me get back to you.” A short pause can create the space you need to respond with clarity and shift the whole power dynamic.

I’m also excited to introduce you to our August teacher of the month, Kaira Jewel Lingo. As part of our paid subscriber offering, you’ll get a companion meditation from her with every Monday and Wednesday episode this month. Today’s meditation is called “Feeling Into Your ‘Yes/No,’” and it’s designed to help you tune into your body's signals to make clearer decisions.

I’ll be going live this Tuesday, August 5 at 3:30 PM ET for a short guided meditation followed by Q&A, just for paid subscribers. Hope you can make it.

Paid subscribers get the 10% Happier podcast ad-free, as well as:

• A cheatsheet for each episode — with key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a transcript

• The ability to comment on posts and participate in subscriber chats

• Access to our twice-monthly live video sessions, in which I guide a meditation and take questions

• Tailor-made meditations every Monday and Wednesday, led by our meditation teacher of the month and designed to pair with the podcast episodes

Join the party.

Episode Cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Dr. Sunita Sah—a Cornell organizational psychologist and researcher—argues that defiance isn’t about being rebellious for its own sake, but about saying “no” when it matters most. This episode breaks down Dr. Sah’s research on why we comply, why it costs us so much, and actionable strategies for making defiance a healthy regular practice.

Defiance rebranded: the power of saying no in a world obsessed with yes

Key takeaways:

• Defiance ≠ disobedience: Sunita Sah redefines defiance as acting in accordance with your values when pressured to do otherwise—not just as challenging authority for its own sake.

• The high cost of “being good”: Habitual compliance often comes at the price of integrity, mental health, and even organizational safety.

• Tune into your tension: The bodily tension you feel when faced with a tough “yes” or “no” is a vital signal that deserves to be listened to, not ignored.

• Five stages of defiance: Defiance unfolds as tension, inward acknowledgment, vocalizing discomfort, communicating potential non-compliance, then taking authentic action.

6 ways to practice defiance in real life: