Next time you freak out, ask yourself this question

Advice from a legendary couples therapist

Dr. Orna Guralnik, the incisive-yet-kind clinical psychologist featured on Showtime’s hit docu-series, Couples Therapy, is not a fan of advice. At least that’s what she told my producer, Marissa, in preparation for a recent interview on my podcast.

So I asked her for advice anyway.

I was a little worried as I did this, given that I find Guralnik a little intimidating.

But she was cool about it. In fact, she started by clarifying that her problem with advice is only when it’s delivered as superficial, one-size-fits-all bromides.

And then she gave me some really helpful advice—specifically to improve your relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Here it is: next time someone (your spouse, partner, kid—anyone) is pissing you off, ask yourself this question:

Why is this bothering me so much?

Quoth Guralnik, “If I'm so troubled about something outside of myself, how can I take it back into myself? It's out there, but what's it to me? Why am I so out of my mind because they left the dishwasher not turned on? What is my problem here? And can I take care of myself?”

I love this. Before you lash out, introspect. Sometimes the problem truly is “out there,” but often your reaction is due to causes and conditions that have nothing to do with the other person. You might not be able to unpack everything in that moment, but even asking that question is a start.

As someone wise once said to me when I was throwing a tantrum, “If it's hysterical, it's historical.”

Check out Orna Guralnik on my pod today. Paid subscribers can access the interview ad-free here. It’s also available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube.

Finally: Join me May 19th-23rd for The Buddhist Antidote to Anxiety: A Live Meditation Miniseries, designed to help you navigate the various dumpster fires of life with greater balance and sanity. Monday is open to everyone, and the following four days are for paid subscribers only. Hope you check it out.

In addition to getting the 10% Happier podcast ad-free, paid subs get a cheatsheet for each episode (below, with key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a transcript), can comment on posts, access subscriber chats, and join our twice-monthly live video sessions, in which I guide a meditation and take questions. Join the party.