People like you more than you think they do

They’re also not thinking about you as much as you think they are

In these isolated, self-centered times, it’s so easy to get paranoid about what other people think of you. But studies show that we tend to underestimate the degree to which other people like us. Psychologists have a term for this: the “liking gap.”

Not only are we inclined to discount how much other people like us, but we also frequently overestimate how much everybody else notices our weaknesses and flaws. Psychologists have a term for this, too: the “spotlight effect.” We think we’re in the spotlight, but we’re missing the fact that everybody else is the star of their own movie; they’re not thinking about us nearly as much as we assume they are.

What can you do about this?

Here are some suggestions from happiness expert Bruce Hood:

• Practice little acts of kindness. You think about shoveling your neighbor’s sidewalk, texting someone who’s going through it, or handing a few bucks to the guy on the corner—but then your brain chimes in with, “Eh, maybe not.” Bruce says: Ignore that second thought. Just do it. It feels better than you think.

• Write down three good things each day. Yes, it sounds cheesy, but the science backs it up. This simple habit helps retrain your brain to focus less on what sucks and more on what’s working. Over time, it builds optimism and quiets the negativity bias.

• Talk to strangers. Chatting with a barista, neighbor, or someone on a park bench might feel awkward at first, but people enjoy these interactions more than we expect. Social connection—even micro-moments of it—is fuel for happiness.

• Talk to yourself in the third person. When you’re obsessing about your flaws or how others see you, try talking to yourself in the third person (e.g., “Dan is worrying about being judged” or “This sucks, but he’s been through worse”). It’s called “psychological distancing” and it helps take the sting out of self-criticism.

As you may know, I love counterintuitive ideas. It may be tempting, when you’re thinking about improving your mental health, to focus on yourself. And sure, improving your sleep, getting more movement, starting a meditation practice—those can all be ferociously useful.

But truly, in the end, the quickest route to happiness is getting out of your own head and focusing on others. I’m not talking about catastrophic altruism, or what the Tibetans called “idiot compassion”; I’m talking about basic connection. Which is what we evolved for.

As I like to say: the view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass.

Check out my full conversation with Bruce on today’s episode of the podcast, where we explore how connection—not self-fixation—is the real engine of happiness. Plus: why social media warps your sense of self, how to “alter your ego,” and why being open about your failures might actually make people like you more.

Paid subscribers also get an exclusive companion meditation called “Step Out of Overthinking” from our teacher of the month, Dawn Mauricio. If you’re caught in a loop of planning, worrying, or overanalyzing—even during meditation—this practice helps you use your thoughts to get out of your head and back into your body.

Paid subscribers get the 10% Happier podcast ad-free, as well as:

• A cheatsheet for each episode — with key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a transcript

• The ability to comment on posts and participate in subscriber chats

• Access to our twice-monthly live video sessions, in which I guide a meditation and take questions

• Tailor-made meditations every Monday and Wednesday, led by our meditation teacher of the month and designed to pair with the podcast episodes

Join the party.

Episode Cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Bruce Hood, professor and happiness researcher, unpacks science-backed strategies to boost happiness and optimism—even when life’s a mess. He argues lasting happiness isn’t about chasing constant highs or relentless self-focus, but instead about connecting with others, building resilience, and intentionally steering our attention away from toxic comparison.

7 practical ways to get out of your own head: