Read this if holiday parties stress you out

7 tips from an influential introvert

Hey hey. Popping into your inbox on a Sunday, a rare move for me. (Side note: I want to eventually experiment with more consistent Sunday reads. But I also don’t want to spam you. Hit me up in the comments if you have thoughts.)

Anyway, back to the point of this email:

We’re at peak holiday party season—which, for many of you, can be a source of either mild stress or profound anguish. This is true even for extroverts like me. I generally love parties, but I’ve also had more than my fair share of awkward interactions.

So today, a social anxiety survival guide from my friend Susan Cain, author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking and also mastermind of the popular Substack, The Quiet Life.

Over to Susan…

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Hello, fellow fans of Dan Harris,

Do these kinds of thoughts fill your head at holiday parties?

“Wow, I really hate small talk.”

“Do I seem awkward right now?”

“How long ‘til I can go home?”

If so, I thought I’d pop on here to offer you ideas on how to have deep and satisfying conversations with strangers and acquaintances - and, how to handle social anxiety (which has got to be one of the most uncomfortable emotions humans can experience).

Here you go:

1. Ask deep questions. Did you know that most people dislike small talk, according to studies, and most people actually prefer to have deep conversations? So go ahead and ask the deep questions that come naturally to many of us.

As Charles Duhigg, author of the bestselling book, “Supercommunicators,” advises: “Rather than asking someone about the facts of their life (“Where do you live?”) ask how they feel about their life. (“What’s the best part of where you live?”) Studies show that people love answering deep questions, because it gives us a chance to share something meaningful about ourselves.” Duhigg gives the example of starting out by asking someone what they do for a living. But from there, you can quickly move to “Do you like your job?” “Do you have something else you dream of doing?” And now you’re off to the races - you’ve moved from the factual to the fascinating.

2. Instead of focusing on how you’re coming across, think about how you can make the other person more comfortable. This is a profound shift in your point of view. What if they’re feeling ill-at-ease, too? What would you do to help them? Well: you’d probably be as warm as possible; you’d smile encouragingly; you’d try to show that you’re really listening - nodding, saying hmm or I get it, etc.; asking follow-up questions. And these are the characteristics of many effective conversationalists.