Shame is psychic constipation

Here’s a smarter alternative

Have you ever had the experience where, seemingly out of nowhere, you think a nasty, judgmental, or maybe even bigoted thought—and then automatically, you tell yourself a story about what a horrible person you are?

I’m not here to defend nasty thoughts, but I am here to say that there’s a smarter way to deal with them than shame.

Shame makes it all about you. It’s a kind of psychic constipation. When you’re stuck in this mode, it is hard to learn or change.

The alternative is to view your thoughts in these three interrelated ways:

1. As the result of vast immensities of causes and conditions (Your thoughts don’t come from nowhere; they are the result of the your family history, the larger culture, etc.)

2. As nature (Your thoughts are part of a larger flow that is, in fact, nature. Nature is not something “out there,” your inner life is part of it.)

3. As impersonal (The prior insights ladder up to an inescapable, strange, and kinda thrilling conclusion: your thoughts are not yours. Or, put another way: you are not your thoughts.)

This doesn’t let you off the hook. While your biases and base urges aren’t your fault, they are your responsibility.

However, once you move out of a self-centered shame state, you can be mindful of your thoughts and therefore less owned by them. That’s when you make better decisions.

I talk about this, and much more, on the pod today with Anu Gupta, author of Breaking Bias.

Click to listen or watch.

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