The self-interested case for saying sorry

How to make a real apology, in 4 steps

We all fuck things up all the time. Sometimes those fuck-ups hurt other people, even if we don’t mean for them to.

There is a natural tendency to want to sweep our mistakes under the rug. But this is not in our best interest, for at least two reasons: first, because even if we’re attempting to live in denial, some part of our mind remembers our misdeeds; and second, because the people who we’ve mistreated also remember—and those resentments can build up, damaging our relationships (and we know from the research that our relationships are the most important variable in human flourishing).

So how to make a real apology?

Here’s a four step process from the writer V, formally known as Eve Ensler:

1. Next time you screw up, ask yourself: Why did I do that? What in my history led me to do it?

2. Ask yourself: What exactly did I do? Make a detailed accounting—in writing or in your head.

3. Thoroughly consider the impact of your actions on the person you have harmed.

4. Make a true apology, which includes:

   1. Demonstrating that you understand what you did and the impact created. (Avoid infuriating phrases such as, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”)

   2. A detailed plan to make amends.

Listen or watch V on my pod today, telling an extraordinary personal story about how she came to understand the power of apology.

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