When the voice in your head is an asshole

How to deal with self-criticism, toxic thoughts, and shame

Thoughts are slippery little fuckers.

If you’re alert and mindful, you can see thoughts for what they are: impermanent, quantum bursts of energy with nearly no substance. As my meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein says, thoughts are “little more than nothing.”

If you’re not mindful, though, your thoughts run the show. You act out all your neurotic obsessions and random impulses as if they were—and this is another Joseph-ism—“tiny dictators.”

So what to do about this? How to handle catastrophizing, comparing, complaining thoughts? How do you cut the strings of the malevolent puppeteer of ego?

That’s exactly what we explored in our latest Meditation Party—my recurring get-together with Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren, two of my favorite teachers and fellow meditation nerds.

Here are four strategies we unpacked for working with tricky thoughts:

• Look for the thought. The next time you realize you’ve been lost in thought, try this move from Joseph: pause and ask, Where is that thought now? Usually, it’s already gone. That moment of not-finding can reveal how insubstantial thoughts really are.

• Ask: Is this useful? When a repetitive thought shows up for the hundredth time, Sebene suggests asking: Is this useful? If it’s not, gently change the channel. No need to judge — just redirect with kindness.

• Notice if you're wearing “shit-colored glasses.” Jeff talks about affective realism — how your mood distorts reality. You feel off, and suddenly everyone seems annoying, everything seems broken. The move? Notice the lens you’re looking through. Just naming it can start to shift it.

• Realize when “the whale” has swallowed you. Jeff uses the image of a whale to describe what happens when a powerful thought or emotion swallows your attention whole. One moment you're present, the next you're inside the belly of the whale: ruminating, rehearsing, regretting. You can’t always stop getting swallowed by the whale—but you can notice when it’s happened, and gently come back.

In today’s episode of 10% Happier, Jeff, Sebene, and I talk about how to handle toxic thoughts and afflictive emotions.

Paid subscribers get a companion meditation to this episode from our August Teacher of the Month, Kaira Jewel Lingo. Inspired by Meditation Party, it’s a practice to remind you that you’re not doing this alone—and to help you feel reconnected and supported, inside and out.

Starting in September, paid subscribers can join us for weekly live sessions. Up until now, we’ve gone live once or twice a month. Now, every Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. ET, you can join a live meditation and Q&A with a meditation teacher and/or me. First up: This Tuesday, September 2 at 4:00 p.m. ET, I’ll be joined by our September Teacher of the Month, Vinny Ferraro.

And don’t forget: Jeff, Sebene, Ofosu Jones-Quartey, and I are doing another version of our annual Meditation Party retreat this October 24-26. It’s at the Omega Institute in upstate NY. You should come. You can sign up here.

Paid subscribers get the 10% Happier podcast ad-free, as well as:

• A cheatsheet for each episode — with key takeaways, time-coded highlights, and a transcript

• The ability to comment on posts and participate in subscriber chats

• Access to our weekly live video sessions, in which I and/or our meditation Teacher of the Month guide a meditation and take questions

• Tailor-made meditations every Monday and Wednesday, led by our meditation Teacher of the Month and designed to pair with the podcast episodes

Join the party.

Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Dan Harris is joined by meditation teachers Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren for a practical and honest look at what to do when the mind is caught in self-criticism, rumination, or difficult emotions. The conversation explores how meditation—and life—can become an exercise in learning to meet whatever arises, including discomfort and distraction, with curiosity, patience, and the support of others.

You are not your thoughts: befriending the voice in your head

Key takeaways:

• Befriend the mind’s wandering: It’s natural for your mind to get swept away, but the real skill is noticing this with interest, not judgment.

• Sticky stories and intense emotions: Old narratives and strong feelings can feel overwhelming, but meditation offers tools like compassion, patience, and inquiry to loosen their grip.

• The Five Hindrances: These classic Buddhist obstacles (craving, aversion, restlessness, sleepiness, and doubt) show up both on the cushion and in daily life—and seeing them clearly removes much of their power.

• Community counts: Doing the inner work with others—spiritual friends, meditation groups, or supportive communities—can turbocharge healing and help you realize you’re not alone.

6 practical tips for working with thoughts, emotions, and self-judgment: