Why deceiving yourself can sometimes be very helpful

How to use your delusion

If you know anything about Buddhism, you know that delusion is pretty much public enemy number one, right alongside greed and hatred. The Buddha put these on his short list of the “three poisons.” One of the central goals of meditation, per the Buddha, is to uproot delusion—our confusion about the way things really are.

So it might sound heretical to suggest there could be any upside to delusion. But Shankar Vedantam, host of Hidden Brain and author of Useful Delusions, makes exactly that case. He argues that while delusion—or self-deception—can absolutely be harmful, it also plays a crucial role in your success, resilience, and relationships. In his view, some delusions aren’t bugs in the system, they’re features that help you survive and stay connected.

Here are four ways Shankar says you can work more skillfully with your delusions:

1. Notice the stories that guide you. We all run quiet fictions about our lives—like believing your kid is the most special child in the universe, or your partner is the most beautiful person in the world. Strictly speaking, those things may not be “true,” but they shape how you love, persist, and show up. Shankar’s point is that these self-narratives steer your choices as much as (or more than) the facts. Spotting them gives you a little more agency: you can decide which ones to lean into and which to rewrite.

2. Ask if a delusion connects or traps. Positive delusions often help us bond—like the almost universal belief that your child is uniquely special. That story may not be strictly true, but it fuels love and persistence through the grind of parenting. But in darker cases, delusions can blind you to harm—like rationalizing an abusive partner’s behavior. The challenge is telling the difference: the same mechanism that sustains love can also trap you.

3. Let optimism carry you through hardship. Believing things will work out—even without hard evidence—can give you courage and persistence in difficult times.

4. Stay alert to harmful denial. Shankar warns that delusions turn dangerous when they block responsibility—in politics (believing “my side can do no wrong”), in health (ignoring serious symptoms), or in justice (convincing ourselves inequality isn’t real). Comfort is fine, until it turns into avoidance.

For more on how to skillfully work with delusion, listen to today’s episode of 10% Happier with Shankar Vedantam.

Paid subscribers also get a companion meditation from our September Teacher of the Month, Vinny Ferraro. This one’s called “If I Knew Then What I Know Now” and is designed to help you revisit moments of self-deception with understanding and compassion. You can find the rest of Vinny’s meditations — and those from previous Teachers of the Month — on the Meditations page at DanHarris.com.

Also: I’m going live tomorrow, Sept. 30, at 4:00 p.m. ET for a guided meditation and Q&A exclusively for paid subscribers. Don’t miss it.

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Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Shankar Vedantam makes the counterintuitive case that some self-deception, while dangerous at times, can also play a vital role in our well-being, relationships, and society at large. By understanding the evolutionary and psychological roots of our delusions, Shankar argues, we can become more empathetic, effective, and even happier, both with ourselves and with those who see the world differently.

How lying to yourself (a little) can boost your happiness, relationships, and empathy

Key takeaways:

• Self-deception isn’t always the villain: While excessive delusion can be harmful, especially in abusive or unjust situations, the little lies we tell ourselves (and each other) often help us cope, persevere, and nurture relationships.

• Filtering reality keeps us sane: Our brains heavily filter sensory information and sometimes create positive illusions (about loved ones or ourselves) that help us function and stay motivated.

• Delusions hold groups (and even nations) together: Shared stories, myths, and collective beliefs—though not always objectively true—are often essential for social cohesion and resilience.

• The line between harmful and helpful delusion isn’t always obvious: Discerning which self-deceptions nurture and which ones hurt takes mindful awareness, empathy, and a willingness to see the outcomes of our beliefs.

6 practical ways to work with self-deception (and use it wisely):