How to stop comparing yourself to other people
A quick recipe for breaking the cycle of “compare and despair”
I recently deleted Instagram from my phone, and it was one of the smartest mental health moves I’ve made in a long while.
Here’s why: I’m fully aware I lead an incredibly charmed and privileged life. And yet, somehow, when I looked at Instagram, I consistently felt like an old, unhealthy, unhip loser in a world where everybody was going to a party that I was not invited to.
(And yeah, to be clear, I still post on Instagram. But I’m lucky/privileged enough that I have colleagues who can do it for me.)
But back to my point. Comparing yourself to other people is one of the most reliable routes to unhappiness. And what’s crazy about social media is that you’re not just comparing yourself to other people, you’re comparing yourself to a highlight reel that other people have carefully curated. Five minutes on Instagram is enough to convince you that everyone else is on a more photogenic vacation, eating more artisanal sourdough, and living a life seemingly unencumbered by the work, chores, and obligations that fill your days.
I recently spoke about this with Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He points out that because humans are wired with a negativity bias, we tend to breeze past the pleasant parts of our day and fixate on what we lack. Social media pours gas on that tendency, conditioning us to make social comparisons that leave us feeling miserable.
Here is Marc’s protocol for breaking the cycle of “compare and despair” on social media:
Catch the trigger: Use the exact moment you catch yourself in a social comparison as a wake-up alarm bell.
Use gratitude to interrupt the spiral: As soon as that alarm goes off, pause and name three good things in your own life. Keep it concrete and real. This isn’t a forced positivity ritual; it’s a cognitive reset that helps loosen the grip of self-comparison.
Take the middle path: A quick warning from the research—don’t overdo it with the gratitude. If you try to list ten things you’re grateful for every single day, it can actually backfire when you run out of ideas. Stick to a middle path of just a few things. Pause and savor them.
If you find that even with these strategies you’re still being sucked into the spiral, getting off social media entirely is worth a try. A massive 2025 study from Northeastern University found that even temporarily deactivating Facebook or Instagram leads to a meaningful boost in emotional well-being.
For more on the science of emotion regulation, including tips for stopping the cycle of rumination, listen to the full episode with Marc Brackett.
Also out this week is my episode with dharma teacher Shaila Catherine who shares practical Buddhist strategies to be less distracted and find focus.
Over on the 10% with Dan Harris app:
Tomorrow (Tuesday, March 17 at 4 p.m. ET) Teacher of the Month Sebene Selassie is going live for a guided meditation and Q&A on Zoom. Drop your questions for her in the event post on the app here.
And starting next week, join the Even You Can Meditate Challenge! From March 23–27, we’ll be dropping a new meditation from Sebene each day. The Challenge is a kind of sampler, showcasing five different types of meditation. It’s designed to introduce beginners to a variety of styles, as well as inspire regular meditators who may want to shake things up.
If you’re not a paid subscriber to the app, now is the time to sign up. Get a 14-day free trial that includes the Even You Can Meditate Challenge.
Upcoming events in person:
I’ll be speaking at the Jung Center in Houston on March 24 for their annual Spring Benefit. Tickets are available here.
On May 17, join me for a conversation with Allison Gilbert at 92NY in NYC about how self-awareness and self-compassion can transform not only our inner lives but our relationships. Get tickets here.
Tickets for the next Meditation Party are available here! Jeff Warren, Sebene Selassie, and I are doing another version of our annual retreat this Oct. 16-18. It’s at the Omega Institute in upstate NY. Think four big sessions of meditation, conversation, and Q&A—with plenty of free time to hike the 240-acre campus, play some pickleball, shoot hoops, or just relax by the lake. You can also drop into yoga or tai chi classes, and on Saturday night there’s even a dance party (totally optional, I promise).
Paid subscribers to the new 10% with Dan Harris app get:
Guided Meditations: A library of guided sessions to help with stress, anxiety, focus, sleep, annoying people, and more.
Meditation Challenges: Structured programs to deepen your practice with clear goals, daily guidance, and community support.
Live Meditation and Q&A Sessions: Every week, meditate live with me and some of the best meditation teachers on earth. Ask questions. Get actual answers.
The 10% Happier Podcast: Subscribers get access to ad-free versions of my pod. Both the new episodes and the entire archive, stretching back almost 10 years.
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Join the party.